bitterness and comfort

2012-01-24T00:23:00.000+08:00

And he could feel those footsteps getting farther. At first it was just small distances, like how one would walk by a grocery store and grab an apple, and they would continue walking side by side. But this, I just don't know anymore. I want to be there for her at this point. I was selfish, I was selfish, I was horrible. I want to reach out but she's just too far away. She's on the other side of the road and she's fighting, fighting with everyone else on that side of the street. No, she's not weak. She's really strong, but like me and everybody else in this world, people get weary and that's when one needs another. For some lucky people out there, they could find it anywhere. I know that she could do that too. Doesn't matter what relation, but I don't know, she's just really far away. At this point, she's at the other end of this lake. This deep and unforgiving lake.

But then again, is this a sign? Is this a good thing? Am I ungrateful? Am I being weak? Has she found someone else? Is she happy with him? Is she okay with work? I want to reach out. I want to scream out this window right now, but then her mom might hear. heh.

The only thing I know, is that she doesn't need me anymore. I'd be for her in a heart beat. Anytime. Except the fact that I'm bonded to something else. A lot other things.

It's true when people say when two person are too alike, they'll repel. Emotional shouldn't be together with emotional. Well, it's fine on her side, but what about me? Emotional guy? The heck?

So again, this is a warning for girls out there, be friends with me, but never in a million years be close to me cause it's suicidal. For you. There's no other sides to it. Seriously.

I'll make sure when you see me the next time, you won't remember me, dear lovely. Let me just be an echo of the past. For you, only for you. I love you.

2012-01-18T00:27:00.002+08:00

Alternate happiness until the day I get really bored:

Really fast laptop (yeah, I want it to be portable)
Original copy MW3 with premium membership
Original copy BF3 with Back To Karkand Expansion Pack

Yeah, cause woman are collateral damage anytime I go on any sort of relation with them. They're meant to be protected not to be hurt. okay.

Well, if you're from my twitter, and anticipating SOPA and PIPA posts. Sorry, not really in the mood anymore. Just feel like sleeping right now. um, whatever it is, things are gonna be books and libraries again if we don't fight against SOPA and PIPA so imagine that.

Yeah, in a perfect world, porn and stuff like that is the only thing censored, but no. Too many humans cause too many conflicts. So, to preserve our freedom of knowledge search (and not to mention killing our creative ways of thinking) on the internet, and also freedom of expression, fight against SOPA and mainly PIPA. I lived well before download link was being clicked for countless times and maybe people will be at par with me.

There's a lot of pros and cons but I just don't feel like it. Gotta finish stuff too. So, whatever it is, we want our freedom of knowledge seeking.

bits by bits

2012-01-12T02:09:00.000+08:00

Yeah, they've finally seen it! I knew this day would finally come by. And by that, it feels exactly how I felt it would be. To all the people who've left and are supposed to leave, I can never thank you enough. I know I've a choice to seek forgiveness but what's the point if I'm gonna repeat it one way or another, smaller or bigger magnitude.. I promise you one thing, though. I'm trying. Really trying. I hope Allah will show me the way in the future. So, live your lives happily, my once friends. You people did make me smile.

Now I've got no choice but to go start anew some place else. and I don't intend it to be in a warm sweaty place.

P.S. :Silent days ahead. This is the only place I'm gonna voice everything out. so, it's not gonna be just about feelings and emotions anymore. Yes. This vault will be a goldmine of my flaws and thoughts from this moment on. Of those, short ones, though. hahah.

the true master paralyses his opponent.

2012-01-09T00:13:00.001+08:00

but nobody is for me. sorry. truly am. and in fact, I will make sure you will never have to go through this again. I'm pretty sure, cause I won't be talking to you like those times anymore. not anymore.
Your words were true, I know cause it hurts. It's always true when it hurts. Doing it would be a total different issue, though. heh. Thank you for everything, though. and the deepest of apologies. If you read this, please do what I propose to do. things would be so so so very much easier. It'll suck to not have anyone to talk to, but I take this as a good omen, cause you'll be in a better position and me, well, you know where I'll go. this is my closure on you, feel free to say anything you need. If you want me to realise something and do something about it, you've done it and thank you, again.

Never Alone, you are.

people leave. and it's okay.

2011-12-24T01:53:00.003+08:00

I don't know. If they think it's better for me to be out of their lives, then I won't hesitate. I just hope I could survive. I need someone to talk to and I guess the worst thing that could happen to me is to have nobody to talk to. Nothing is better than talking to the counter gender. The right one.

I gotta go back and study. The only thing left to do.

and yeah, finally got the downer I've been needing since a long time ago. that means two days ago, I made the best decision ever.

and you, pretty girl. Can't wait to meet you and give you that lame drama book. Although, I'm not sure when. My friend once said you're a DIY woman. I'm not sure how to do this... I'm no manipulator, but I do hope you change the important things and stay the same with the girl that I find so beautiful. Only time will tell, it's whether you get bored with me, or I do.

I still miss you. and your smile. and then I go to your blog. heh.

GNC intervention (long post)

2011-12-21T12:39:00.005+08:00

So there I was at the local mall, Shah Alam to the locals. I was going around section 9 to buy a drug for my mom since she's having a cold. Just got back from Ipoh where she stayed at the hospital to take care of my opah where the air-cond was blasting, but that's not the point. Right. So, I went to Target Pharmacy, 7-Eleven to buy some bread (Massimo's with wheat germ. Their stuff are awesome jsyk), ended up buying Green Tea 9. and so I went to mall to buy some of that bread, while I was there, I thought of buying a red pen since mom finished my last red pen, so I bought one. Then, as when was about to leave, I saw the GNC space.

Since I'm trying to find some protein, I stopped by and met this salesperson. He speaks english with a little broken grammar and pronunciation mistakes here and there, but to me it doesn't matter. Maybe it would disturb the consciousness of their healthy mind, but the point here, is that he answered some of my questions. I wanted to write 'a lot' but I'm not too sure at this point. So let's go one by one on what we talked about.

First. Protein. Yes.
Serious Mass, True-Weight is the protein to go. Price is RM 263 for both after discounted from RM 300+. okay. Then, he went; "I Love KMB? What does that stand for?" (Yeah, I was wearing the colors) I replied "err, Kolej MARA Banting" "Oh yeke?" "Kenapa? Abang KMB ke dulu?" "Eh tak, saya buat A-Levels dulu dekat KMS" "Oh yekeeeee"

And we went on about the protein, don't matter. And then, I started asking him what's he doing now. Turns out he studied Biomedicine in India for 4 years, just came back last March, did housemenship for 6 months, now waiting for postgraduate applications next January and if God wills, intake in March. He was awesome. He is taking the course that I would've been interested in if didn't take engineering. virology to be exact. He said that his target was to become a researcher and he is doing some research assistance right now, alongside his work in GNC. Postgraduate insyaAllah locally cause he said he's tired with everything overseas. hahah.

As we go along alternately talking about the products and ideologies and experiences, now I know that whey protein is the protein extracted from milk. Milk will be extracted from it, Casein and Whey. So, there's first layer whey, isolated whey; whey which has been filtered, and hydro whey; whey which is further filtered and is the smallest particle whey, which is for building, and normal whey is for maintenance as the particulate is bigger. Then, proteins should be consumed according to a person's metabolic rate. Bad idea for people with low metabolic rate who consume high metabolic protein.

Then, 15 minutes before I go, I told him that I had to rush home cause I've to pass the meds to my mom, he then asked me what drug did I buy for her, I gave him the meds which was loratadine 10 mg. I asked a few questions, like does different brands give different effects since from my past experience, drugs for cold effect differently although the chemicals were the same. He said the difference is just the amount in each drug. He then went on about the bad effects about modern medicine (sorry, med students). He is really against it cause he said that researchers these days are more supportive towards natural and alternative medicine cause drugs these days are pure chemicals which would give adverse effects towards the human body cause they are synthesised and are not natural for the body.

He went on about the body being treated in such a way that, the best way of treatment is by giving moderate pressure to the body when it comes to alternative medicines, which he emphasised that USM has a postgraduate course for alternative medicine.

Finally before I went home, gave my mom the meds and writing this, we shook hands and he said, "Be a Muslim engineer, don't be orientated by money, do it for Allah"

I couldn't agree more, (I didn't catch his name). but he said targets are important. So, my target is to become rich. No, not to consume it. In The Holy Quran, there's more verses which commands us to become rich than NOT to become rich. This is because with money, there's a lot of stuff that can be done, Islam is stronger that way too. So, whatever it is, do whatever you want to do, with Allah as your guide and remember Him always, that way, insyaAllah we will not be lost in this sweet life.

Weird girls.

2011-12-17T02:07:00.001+08:00

You know, I think I'm really being impossible in movies. I can't even remember the last time I really enjoyed an awesome movie. I think there is but I can't remember right now. I mean, a 9/10 movie, it's hard to find these days. It really is because of me cause I watched the same movie that I watched a while ago and I find it stupid for some reason. Ghost Rider for one. First time I saw it, loved it. Last time I did I went like "Holy crap what is this cliched story?" soo yeah. it's really weird. Haven't watched Deathly Hallows part II believe it or not. On Stranger Tides was not half bad. An 8/10. yeah, most part is because of the mermaids. the leading mermaid. yeah, whatever. Dark of The Moon was not half bad. Unrealistic screenwrite for the lead female role although fantasically amusing.

I also need new music for my ears. It's hard cause I don't actually have time to go online and search and stumble upon some great music. most of the time, what people suggest doesn't stick with me. It's pretty sad, but that's the way it is. music taste differ from one person to the other. honestly, I have never met someone of the same wavelength. It's either better, or worse, or completely out of my wavelength that my ears can actually hear. yeah.

and today, I saw two countries, setting out their stuff, namely food, and it is awesome. turkish food, ehtiopian, vietnamese, and american food. all so awesome. and it struck my head, I really hope there'll be gourmet dining which is halal. well, not when I'm studying cause I'm not that rich, let alone handling my financial stuff. I have to save exactly RM 50 every month and never touch it cause that's the contigency funds. life's hard. no, not really, just me and my craving for food.

meanwhile, I've an extended essay to finish, overdue math exercises, business and management notes, physics notes, chemistry notes, a novel to read, a surrah to memorise, a philosophy paper to write, and a presentation to research. I really don't know.

on another note, I watched the whole season 5 of The Big Bang Theory, season 7 of How I Met Your Mother and starting to watch New Girl. yes, Zooey. Zooey Deschanel. She appears much better than how she was in 500 Days of Summer. As what I have tweeted with my ex-schoolmate, maybe I hated Summer so badly that I practically hate Zooey. and now, I don't know, she's really really charming these days. I have moved on from Minka Kelly to Emma Watson to Maya Karin to Irina Melati (LOL alert) to Zooey. Just look at her in the montage wearing that red dress and acting all cute. yeah, all that I could do is sigh it away. Now I get the fangirl feeling. but, I don't know. Consider if I ever meet her, all that I could do is to ask her for a signature on something trivial (highly doubt if there's any scientific or practical piece that I would want her to sign) Maybe an album, or stick? or T-shirt? hahah. Stupid head

I call to terms when it comes to personal desires. We have very important things happening around us, and I vowed to myself to not rest until things get done. Well, that would be an unending work isn't it? I don't know. Maybe it is never ending. I've always wanted to fly a fighter aircraft, but I guess that's a waste of money. Space travel. Super car. practically everything that is overpriced. any product sold with their prices selling names. yeahh.

hmm. issues, issues. I have faith in people now. Whatever is important is to learn from a variety of proper authorities. that way, we can learn more an judge better. there are a lot of paradigm that needs to be considered so that requires us to know more. That's what I hold on to in life.

Now, before I go. I just want you to know that I don't know what's going on between us. I feel like you're drifting away, and I'm not blaming you if it is. As I said, I didn't promise you anything and this is just something that we do to know each other better. Stay true to yourself, and I will be so. the last thing I would do is stopping you from truth.

Coldplay magical

2011-12-09T22:04:00.001+08:00

right at this moment, I think coldplay just pushed the button. I've always imagined a place where it's cold but not too cold, so colourful. with all the people loving everyone. no, not the kind of place where there are nudist colonies who make love to anyone who they will, no. where there are wind blowing in your face from the sea. there are stallions running free in the plains. there are birds flying in flocks. wildlife roaming freely with their instincts. yeah, basically Narnia. but a little bit modern. hahahah. crud.

everything's just fine. right then and there, I wanna be just with you. just you, the beautiful world around us. and me. You have to know that I am very imaginative, and I, just want to feel your hair. that beautiful hair hanging down your cheeks, ears, and over the shoulders. funny. let's see what fate has written for us. let's see whose cactus is bigger by now. heh.

Crossroads.

2011-11-20T21:13:00.001+08:00

I don't know where I should do after this. I know I am not supposed to write or even think about this, but I've to do this. This is a warning letter. for you. This letter is for you, dear love. another one written.

I have always loved you. It does not matter if you don't. What matters now, is that I want you to go out there and find the one person who would definitely make your day. Who would make you smile no matter what happens. That when you see him, all your problems just fly away out the window. Nothing's going to bother you for that whole day. That is the person that you deserve. And if it's not me, then I have no second thoughts of leaving you, if it means the best for us.

I will however, am willing to be there for you until that day when you will find that person. If you've to be stuck with me, then I would be happy with that. You should know that who you're seeing now is not much, that you see me just like this, nothing spectacular, but that's who I can be. The only thing I can be. And that is why, I will be here for you until the end.

When I get to see you, I will tell you myself. regardless if you've read this or not. What matters is to never play around anymore.

Be happy, always. always.

Turn it off

2011-10-29T21:48:00.001+08:00

these feelings. it's familiar. and I remember it vividly the last time I felt like this. It needs a perfect recipe to trigger this hollowness, and of course, a change in environment to improve things.

one, you lose someone you care, someone you love.

two, endless thinking of how much of a sad person you are. how lonely you are.

three, deprived of something you like. occasionally, you have to leave something that you really love.

four, self-realization that things would sometimes, do not go your way.

five, realization that the future would be something that you don't know how to appreciate just yet.

six, lost cause.

seven, distance from anyone you can talk to.

putting these seven steps, things would seem hollow. you may try, but you just know that certain things do not change the fact that you're just another person. it's hard to feel to be belong to something or some place or someone. fact is, a lot of people face that problem but they can go on just fine. Forrest Gump never let anything stop him from doing a lot of things. things he promised, things he feel he needed and wanted to do. and patience towards love.

I just hope I'll wake up next morning feeling better. Mr. sleep has always been a good friend. all along.

life is but a brief candle.

2011-10-28T01:28:00.000+08:00

I've been meaning to post this but I never had the time. but yeah, this friend of mine, has released himself from all the bonds of the world. and now, in the next world. Yeah, it's surreal, to lose someone who was waltzing in front your life and 2 days later, that person is gone forever. The last memory that I can remember with him was during a university briefing where he was doing his math homework on integration. Truly, he is the most diligent person that I've met in my entire life. He was also a big fan of hard rock. BFMV to be exact. Oh, yeah, he downloaded this one song off my broadband and onto my old laptop. sadly, I deleted that song. heh. sorry, duude. I remember this one time when I was performing in front of my friends and after I finished, he came up to me and said, "Wey, Saufi. Why don't you play Tears Don't Fall?" and we both laughed. A disciplined person, and a very principled person. My roommate said that he finished all his TOK and Extended Essay already. heh. a good friend anyone can ask. never hypocritical. true to himself. righteous. negotiable. and of course, a nice person to hang out with, although we never really did. Pretty sure people did have a good time with him :)

After learning this loss, I just want to go up to each and every people who's important to me and tell them that I love them, but I really don't know how. A life, can be taken at any instant, so this is our only change to tell them that we love them before we leave this world.

because of you, Ihsan Shaharani, you gave us a gift, and you deserve the best return anyone can ask for. Rest In Peace, insyaAllah, Ihsan. We will be praying for you.

Al-Fatihah.

May Allah bless him and put him alongside the Siddiqiin and Mujahideen in heaven.

Muhammad Ihsan Shaharani

1992-2011

2011-10-22T00:08:00.001+08:00

I have a friend who said that he hopes that one day, he would have the chance to leave everything and start anew somewhere else. I think that is the most relevant thing in the world to me right now. I thought this weekend would be a good one, but it seems to be going downhill. Shows how much Allah wants me to learn about life. heh. I just hope that one day, I will be able to leave everyone behind, if things are better if I am without. I want to move to a cool country. doesn't matter what I work. As long as I can function well. starting a new story. a dull one. that way lives would be easier. except one.

and I didn't consider the possibility of her dawning on how much of a non-human I am. that maybe I am heartless. inconsiderate. and selfish. this time, I will push. find your truest, love. That way; no regrets.

oh, and. I lost a friend yesterday. I knew it was a bad idea from the beginning. One good example why you better stay away from me. your life is better without me. how many times have I emphasised that?

God bless, and live it through. love is everything.

Hello,

2011-10-09T01:49:00.001+08:00

My number one rule now, is to not make promises. not one if you know you might not keep it. not even when you think you may be able to put aside this and that. I'm a liar and a backstabber. and of course, unreliable.
Ruler number two; never engage people too close cause yeah, you're just gonna make them pissed at you, or disappointed in you, or I don't know, make hollow promises with no clear plan on how to fulfill it.
I just hope this two rules are simple enough for a person like me to follow. Isolation seems to be a good choice, but it's not a good one since you won't build any network. My role? to provide a temporary boost. a very insignificant one, though. heh. yeah, kinda pointless, right? doing something that you know isn't gonna change much, like a single change in a complex arrangement of perfectly combined and arranged and connected to each other. It may just be a small damage, so I'm the agent that was conjured at that spot to mend it. and as soon as it's patched up quarter of the way, I were to disappear cause that's the nature so to make way for better materials to complete the job.
Also, like a production of neutrino or anti-neutrino. made just to complete an equation with no significant role. An acknowledged particle. a particle intriguing. but no purpose at all.
It sucks to be an alleged musician when you can't express your emotion into sounds. no function, as it is. seee. heh.
Random guy who can do very little about random stuff which most of it aren't even constructive.
One friend of mine once said that the education of a country was specially moulded so that the smart ones are used profitably and the non-potentials are used as labour. I guess I was made for labour, then. I just hope I'll be able to survive in that condition. well, if some of them went through it already. Why can't I?
I wish that everyone would wake up this next morning and forgot about me and I would move to some place far away to start anew and see what life brings me to. Although most probably, the pre-set objective is finding people and disappoint them too, but I just want to disappoint people who don't really like me in the first place. that way they can bail out earlier. Seek me for temporary help. That's all that I can do. No promises of conclusions or solutions, though. Just to talk it out a little. The following is a wrap-up and it doesn't work only for me; choose to not be sad.

all those days, you know?

2011-07-21T19:38:00.002+08:00

There are days when things are just brilliantly set-up for you to feel sorry for yourself. Leaving you sore and makes you on the verge of salinating your eyes. and all that you can do is just smile. things will get through, although the fact still remains. nothing's gonna change. an unexpected event became one of the stepping stones to kick start a new experiment, however I'm not quite sure if people's perception of me changes already. most probably have, but that's sad you know? I can see these days where people purposely make enemies just because things don't go their way. what hurts is when other people is in. heh. sorry, blogspot, you just became a spot to vent out. I guess that's better than nothing. hahah. you're my sole diary and guess what? I let people see my diary. to let people see the stupid side of me. lolness at it's best I guess. lolness as in lolness laugh at yourself for being shitty and dumb. sighs. I believe in happier days. it's just, these days are the bad ones. It's okay if people hate me or if they wanna leave me. I just want them to be as happy as possible. I will never be someone's miracle. even if they thought I would. heh. I'm your biggest disappointment that you will have in the future. so, do yourself a favor and just smile and nothing more when I come your way. just keep me happy as a stranger. and do that to other strangers too. they're nice people.

lately, I've been living

2011-06-07T16:15:00.002+08:00

yeah, by the name of it. I'm not sure if I actually do, but guess what? I found myself out of this 'want-a-relationship' thing going on for years. It's not easy for some people to open their eyes and take this unofficial vow to not have a relationship cause it is a tough choice to do. and to refrain ourselves, right? well, let's not talk about this crap and we'll come back to that laterrr lol.

Here's a list of my so called 'summer' holiday's (which is essentially only three weeks) homework. copied right of my sticky notes lol :

HOLIDAYYYY

EE proposal
TOK Essay
Business IA
Mock Math IA
Math Algebra exercise
Math Correction
World LIterature
Glider research (manufacturer)
Personal Statement
Hafal surah Yassin (options : al-mulk, al-insan, as-sajadah, terjemahan yasin

Pretty much, yeahhh lol. anyways, out of these things, i've done like approximately 5% of everything, right now I'm working on my business IA and EE proposal to be used together with an application to use Civil Engineering laboratory facilities of my local university. hellyeahh. sounds legit, aye? LOL the experiment is darn simple, the only problem is I'm too lazy and I reaally think that this experiment is too subjective to be carried out, it's about the specific heat capacity of different types of bricks but the main problem is that I think I'll be making ranges of values instead of one standard value for each type of brick cause this thing pretty much depends on the brick itself, which is not manufactured at consistent qualities and tight procedures (unless the manufacturer specialises in this area). I hope I'll get at least a C for this. heh.

Moving on from this topic which makes you bored, (yet very interesting to me. THIS THING COULD CHANGE YOUR LIFE, MAANN) I'm gonna just say that I really have so many things to say when I'm at least 25 Km from a secure laptop or internet outlet for me to just blog, for now, I just want people to know that I am in fact in love with arms. actually, I pretty argued a lot with my dad about Malaysia's feasibility to develop DEFENSIVE tactical systems (it should be weapons, actually but my dad doesn't like the word 'weapons' in there. brings a bad impression about things lol) I'm thinking about supercavitation which is important for underwater defense, lots of research on air-to-ground missile defenses, and above all, the nuclear protection systems. Although, I strongly believe that Malaysia will be sinking in 60 years time in which I'm not confident that I'm still alive. Even if I am, if it's sinking, I'm gonna be a permanent citizen of another developed country, preferrably US LOL (cause I still wanna live in philly suburbs, yo lol)

and yeah, before going back to college, I'm secretly praying so that I will get the opportunity to watch X-Men before I go back to the mild pits of hell. Not to mention meeting people that I shouldn't and seeing people that I dread to see lol. nonetheless, that's all part of life, going through the hardships of life and having faith in God, to trust Him, and to worship Him in times of ease and of course, hardship. He is The Almighty, and uh, well, He has 99 names, so you get the picture, right?

I still remember a good friend of mine quoted from a tweet ;

"Sometimes, people will go away so you can be closer to Him, isn't that cute?"

I believe that He's closer to me than how close this laptop is to me. I'm pretty darn sure about it :)

Yellow humanzz~~

2011-06-04T22:20:00.001+08:00

I am back, and this is going to be my place to blog, write, and spill my guts out. Idk, actually I have lots to do but I just feel like doing this cause I haven't been blogging like this for months. Well, you know, IB and stuff. It is the shizz and an imagery of the Grim Reaper. LOL exaggeration overload, ya'll. Alright, peace out, I'm so gonna post something in the future, maybe tonight lol. see ya, suckazz

2011-01-18T00:30:00.004+08:00

I wish all of you would go away. I guess it's better for me to admire your from afar. watching you shine, getting to know lots of people around, maybe getting everything you wanted. I'm sure everything is in front of you. you should try, just try to get to know the people around you, then you'll be falling in love one by one. All these insecurities are gonna crush me more than it's gonna annoy you. My words are all over the place. I bet you're starting to fade that feeling away. I'm sure, whether you realise it or you don't. I can't wait for it to happen. It's gonna hit me hard. I guess, at this point, an arranged marriage sounds pretty feasible to me. I'm being such a girl. Fuck this shit. How am I gonna live like this? You're a bad influence to me. You make think about you excessively. More than I should. Now, I see it's always better to find someone who loves you more than you love them. Neverending disappointments always have been the story of my life. I can't afford a letdown. I'm too weak for this.

I've got to let go the thing that I want the most. In order to be a hero for myself. A hero never lies. His words are golden and full of trust. Nothing should hinder him. Not even emotions. Somebody's got to do it. Alone at last.

2010-12-26T23:00:00.002+08:00

10-day fitness test
on the hook
i really want to make either a pizza, or carbonara. but it's expensive
haven't even finished one Malay A1 novel
results are gonna squeal how much of a failure i am
i still don't have my brush for my birthday present, maybe will be going to Bentley at Mutiara Damansara
been locked at home, can hardly go out
running out of money
i'm feeling content, after so many months of trying to catch up with better people around
on medication, but can hardly refrain myself from my favourites
I'm such a bad person. No, really
Still figuring out how will I live in the future with minimal external contact
i need some reason to go through. nevermind.

hello there, space full of crap

2010-12-04T19:14:00.003+08:00

finished first sem. whatever happens to the results. is another issue. and i don't know if i should care or not about the results. in the words from 'wanted' ; "I find it hard nowadays to care about anything. In fact, the only thing that I care about is the fact that I don't care". I am ignoring what makes me unhappy. whatever makes you happy, I'm all for it. I'm starting to accept my future that I envisioned that initially I secretly hope it'll never happen. Meanwhile, there are loads of people coming into my blog. which is weird. cause my blog is crap. filled to the brim. only weak people complain. Essentially. I am. There's no denying it anymore. At this point, I just want someone, a stranger, to pop into my life to have an unbiased conversation, free of judgement of each other's perspective. A stranger actually make the best people to talk to because you don't meet them anymore after a meaningful conversation. It'll most probably not stay as a meaningful conversation if you meet them again afterwards. It's cause they'll get to know you and when they do, make no mistake, they judge. Everybody judge, right? But what differentiates between you and the other person next to you is either they express their judgement or they just forget about their judgement.

You know, I've been posting sad posts lately. So, as an improvement, I am telling you that I will watch Narnia tomorrow at 11 am. Where? Dunnoe just yet. And after reading Ainil's blog post, I just wanna eat McD's breakfast. the usual; large coffee, hash brown, sausage mcmuffin with egg, sausage mcmuffin, and coffee refill right before you go.

Right now, a slight fever U 95% disappointment. Nothing can change this perfect night. Every time when I wanna think I'm happy. I would imagine, running then catch a ball, and bursting through triumphantly. or just catching the ball into my arms. or here, here, imagine that I am listing down my choice of arms. Yeah, I know, i know. stupid. but hey, what could be worse, aye? well, not really. stupid and hopeless. opportunity never knocks twice. Hello, failure. You've always been a faithful friend. Thank you for being there for me everytime I fall. Let's get comfy cause we'll be seeing each other more often, right? Good to know, my good man.

things that I like,

2010-11-26T20:24:00.001+08:00

continuationnnn;

the feeling when you get the rugby ball in a game. hohoho
that butterfly feeling when you see someone you like is in proximity

2010-11-13T22:39:00.000+08:00

who am i kidding?

i'm just nobody.

It's been a while isn't it?

2010-11-10T00:03:00.006+08:00

and all of a sudden I felt like looking into someone's blog that I shouldn't be looking be at. I mean, she's crazy over some guy and I still can't get over her no matter how seldom I think about her. I guess it's true when people say that some people take a lifetime to forget someone, especially someone special. I feel like calling her as of the moment when I heard a song that has no connection between me and her, but the lines. the lines. the lines that made me think of her and all the possibility and regrets about what I didn't do. For not being fast enough, for not being brave enough. I would still call her little miss lovely, even if someone else will take that title as well. Cause she's imperfectly perfect.

But then again, maybe I'm just mesmerised by an illusion. I mean, she's lovely, but is she someone who can bring up my children later on. hahah. I know this is so far, but seriously I know it when I fall in love with someone, and when I do, it's gonna be really hard for me to let go of that person.

As for now, the same thing's happening to me. Although I just wanna ignore her, but she needs someone. I just wish that guy would just be there for her. She needs you for the love of God. She really really needs you, and I'm pretty sure that she's gonna be by your side if you give her what she wants. It's not much, you just need to sort it out.

how did i forget her again?

2010-10-16T02:39:00.002+08:00

oh yeah, finding another girl to go crazy over. and so i shall do it over again. I am really selfish as for now. I really don't know what has become of me. I'm all over the place, in a sense where I can't put my point of focus at. Everything seems to be out of place and I'm getting a feeling that things aren't supposed to be the way they are. Sometimes you have to talk to somebody but you can't cause they've their problems to handle with. the last resort, handle it on your own. it's not that simple and it's not that hard. as of right now, I can hear Last Train Home and the golden lines that beckons me on the bitter truth and sets of situations and traits that make me irrevocably hopeless. No, really. You must hear it first because I really really am useless. yeaa, darn it. but you should know that you have a role, no worries. it's just me in this case. case study, yessss. there are opportunities and threats and everything in between and if you counter argue each and every aspect of me, you would see nothing in me. I don't know why I'm here. I know that some other deserving guy should be in my place doing what I'm doing right now, not disappointing other people especially their family. You are what you are, right? Nothing can change characteristics, though you can hide it, but it'll always catch up on you, like a hidden and black past, it'll always catch up no matter how far you've moved to future. I'm truly sorry everyone, I just want to make you feel proud of who I am, but this is just me. You're stuck with me, and I am truly very deeply sorry for that. No, I'm not being emotional or anything, but I just feel sorry for all of you because you've to slow down to keep up with such a incompetent person. I just do my best, irrespective what best means to you. I'm really, really, really sorry :\

2010-10-07T16:48:00.001+08:00

"He knows a hero when he sees one. Too few characters out there, flying around like that, saving old girls like me. And Lord knows, kids like Henry need a hero. Courageous, self-sacrificing people. Setting examples for all of us. Everybody loves a hero. People line up for them, cheer them, scream their names. And years later, they'll tell how they stood in the rain for hours just to get a glimpse of the one who taught them how to hold on a second longer. I believe there's a hero in all of us, that keeps us honest, gives us strength, makes us noble, and finally allows us to die with pride, even though sometimes we have to be steady, and give up the thing we want the most. Even our dreams"

Aunt May - Spiderman 2 (2004)

Cause I love you so much that I'm ready to let you not know this. And don't worry, you'll be all right without me :)

It's the little things

2010-09-24T18:15:00.004+08:00

here are the list of thing that I appreciate, motions, actions, words and dialogues etc.

the one I love the most ; staring into blank space at school after rain
when i could teach people new stuff and feel good about it
discuss about issues and ideas and not be discriminated at
watching the movie 'cars'
watching a real good strike at two cymbals with the correct point of view. hahah
watching an air show
watching the red arrows making bad-ass formations
when my family is having a warm session, no insults, just good times
having a hearty meal
watch flames burn slowly
watch rockets fly (though never seen it up-close. lol)
"sell it to me?" "sell what?" "love, sell it to me"
pre-reading books before you buy them
looking at books in their shelves, doesn't matter if it's at the library or at the store
watching a loving couple dance
holding hands
the feeling when someone praises of my photograph
the feeling when someone praises my relationship
have a good jam session
a song with good lyrics (but songs just wear out eventually. hahah)
after a reasonably heavy rain, the coolness, with the wind blowing slowly, at a sun-less dusk, everything's blue
really witty comebacks (not me)
photographs with glares (i don't know the exact term. hahah)
deep thoughts
Divine Intervention
content loneliness
watching gregory house go through his life
'The Boys of Summer' by Don Henley
picking up a rifle and loading it and pointing it
pop bubbles
being at the top of Mt. Kinabalu with a clear view
the feeling of wind blowing in your face
watching how a jet stream makes vapour
watching the first 30 minutes of the movie 'Stealth'
learning 21 Guns' chords
feeling of having enough money
having a place outdoor all to yourself (turns out everybody wants one of these. BLEGH)
New Zealand
the feeling when walking out the cinema after watching Revenge of The Fallen
breakfast eating Subway
breakfast at Mt. Kinabalu Park
standing up during the arrival of the guests during graduation
watching people crying while watching the slideshow Azme prepared for graduation
feeling when I see scholars with uniform black and white attires at the airport posing for photographs. Triumphant people, on their way to victory and glory and humility. peace and love
photographs of the milky way
science magazine
ISS, particle colliders' news
watching the movie 'Talentime'
watching the musical parts of the movie 'Mukhsin'
the sound of the jet engine
watching planes take-off and land
watch a shooting star
Vanilla Coke once in a while
solving a problem for Math HL. haha
watching how NASA employees during the Apollo Program dress in fit short-sleeved white shirts, black skinny ties, and thick glasses. hoyeah
the sound of the F1 engine
watching the pit crew do their jobs during pit stops separately
watching the other pit crew who monitor the performance of the car
the feeling when I saw a photo depicting Dato' Hishamuddin lifted the Keris
a live malay dance. so graceful
handling the F1 in School CAM machine. hahaha. bittersweettt
the feeling when I hear a jet fighter flying low across the vicinity
the smell of rain (that's typical)
eating NY crust pizza with secret sauce from Domino's
the feeling when I am well-dressed
watching Khairie play Need for Speed. hahah
hearing 'Summer Jam' by Set Your Goals and can't help but to think, "I wish I had a summer like this" hahah
the feeling when seeing a really large field or flat lands
the feeling when seeing some man-made structure which is very much overly tall or big

I'll keep on adding on from time to time. hahah

smell and taste of good coffee
watching a golden morning
mediterranean fields
maps <3
reminisce good memories (duhhh)
staring out the window
standing on top of a building, roof
good lines in a movie (seems like I find lots of lines awesome. hahah. failll)
Google Maps <33>
sliding down a water slide. whoo
lie down on an open field and watch the night sky
the feeling when a plane lifts off from the ground
the feeling of having service in a plane. hahah
the feeling when i listen to 'wake me up when september ends' by green day
the feeling when i listen to 'i knew i loved you' by savage garden
the jokes from 'monsters vs. aliens' it's actually pretty good, alright? hahah
stealing glances
the feeling when i finish reading Harry Potter
the feeling when i finish the physics lab report. hahaha
the feeling when i killed an enemy on COD using a grenade launcher, everytime. hahaha
the thought that you suffered the way I did
sunsets and sunrise
terrains & flats > beaches, but beaches are not any less important
watching river flow
watching this school of fish in a pond in Melaka make a circle formation. crazy lol
watching waterfalls
the river at the camp when i was in standard 6, beautiful
watching puffy clouds when on the road, highway to be exact

2010-09-06T01:57:00.003+08:00

According to Einstein, Space (not to mention time), is flexible, like an elastic fabric that you are able to stretch, compress, and bend.

I love physics.

Now,

Particle physics? or Astrophysics?

I hate you, Kamil. You make me fall in love with Particle Physics.

In other news, I think our money was confiscated by an invisible forces. No, not the government, you should know that pretty well :B

In OTHER news, E10B's latest project; the design of a rifle and handgun. Now where did I put that CAD CD?

LOL

Do we need a hero?

2010-09-04T21:19:00.006+08:00

As a foodie, I do appreciate mealtimes, especially if there is 6 per day, not that I don't enjoy Ramadhan, I just love to eat. Most of the time, my comfort food would be something not that expensive and still be wonderful to eat. Oh gosh, I can't wait for Eat, Pray, Love. I mean, I bet there are going to be lots of meaningful messages in it. I saw the trailer where Roberts was eating some ice-cream and the camera shifted to a couple of nuns who were eating the same thing, portraying that we are all the same, we have the tendency to have the same interests, and that unites us all. Okay, maybe 'interests' is quite a heavy word to be used as a word that unites us all, but you get my point right? I can't wait to sink my teeth into some juicy Subway sandwich and Pizza. And of course, Mountain Dewwww. Some Chocolate chip cookies and chips. Oh yeahh, this year's raya barbeque, I wanna try to make my own sauce to be eaten with the chickens. That would be raaadddd, and uhhh, some dip sauce for Chachos, maybe salsa. And most importantly, learn to make Pizzaaaa. New York style, babyyy. Speaking of New York, I watched Step Up 3D, twice, but the first time was 2D, but what the heck, it actually gets better the next time you watch it. I reeeaaaalllly wanna watch it again. ROBOT DUDE, I LOVE YOUUUU. I am not kidding, he deserves more credit, I mean, they could have at least give him a name to be remembered in the movie. You know what, I really want to have some good coffee after raya, maybe I should try Dome next time. Haven't tried it yet.

Wow, that was really random innit? There's gonna be Transformers tonight. In which I would gladly watch it again. This time, with popcooorrrnnnn. Specially bought back from UK, my sister bought it :') I hope they would do Transformers 3 even without Fox, I was really really really satisfied after watching the second one, no idea why I did. I never felt like that before.

Last week, we celebrated Azmir's Birthday at Italiannies Sunway, and God wasn't it expensive. HOWEVER, the food was just superb, awesome and classic. I just wish it would be less 'posh' and more 'homely'. That's because I really like homey kind of meals. One of my dreams is to open a restaurant, serving a variety of food, that feels homely and is wholesome, cause that's what i seek in every food that I eat. But yeah, sometimes we need some 'posh-ness' in our lives every now and then.

****

That was supposed to be yesterday's post, and darn it, Transformers is definitely one of my favourite movies of all time. The battle scene at Mission City 22 is just awesome. Usually, I would remember the storyline or plot of any story, but in this one, I keep on forgetting what happened after one battle to another. My sister said that she haven't felt so satisfied after watching Avatar. For me, that movie is Revenge of The Fallen. Idk, maybe it's cause I love engineering and technology. I remember this :

"Maybe it's some kind of an advanced organism, we must consider Quantum Mechanics"

"There is nothing in this world is as complicated as that"

But just consider this; What if, humans, can live as if they are those robotic organisms? I mean, your qualities as a human retains, but with technological or specifically, biotechnological enhancement in our body system. We would experience leaps and bounds in our civilisation, then. But what the heck, imagine a sad robot posting a blog. that would be the most epic fail you can imagine. Not to mention 'balancing your diet'. hahahahah.

I'm going to make a blueprint of my dream house, as of, NOW. LOLZ

oh yeah,

2010-08-28T00:41:00.001+08:00

Contender Asia 2 is coming in October. Whoo! and yeah, MMA HAS COME TO ASIAAAA. namely Singapore. Whatever.

Thith ith awethooome. hahahah

I figured,

2010-08-27T23:46:00.002+08:00

that I'm still living my childhood interests. Cars, Backhoes and Trucks, Building Blocks, Rockets. Not to mention my attitude. It's not even like high school kids, more like primary kids. No wonder I can't really think clearly or have a solid idea. Let alone argue. Am I still worth an asset to my beloved country? I guess it's true that I'm not going to get what I wanted. Am I being a realist or just plain pessimistic? I'm the most unique person in the world. I can't even classify myself in an ordered group. There is this war inside of me, trying to find myself that I can't seem to figure out, the worst part of it, is I don't know where I'm heading to. I'm not even moving anywhere, not a muscle. I don't know if I could do this. All I can do is do my best, and hopefully not to watch my future crumble into dust.

I'll fade away, the only thing that I'm truly good at :)

If all else fails, I'm so going to be a film director. Despite my bad drawing. But then again, I'm not that creative either.

bummer.

I'm gonna work as a technician at the meteorological center in Subang Jaya, then :D

When it rains, at this side of the town.

2010-08-20T01:31:00.000+08:00

I need to release myself, thus, I've been quite an addict for MW2 though I'm still shitty at it. I'm using other people's laptop for one thing, that's really baad. Lab reports here are real killers if you procrastinate. I think staying up late became my habit which is another bad thing. big sigh there. i don't know if i can handle all these pressure, though there are some people who believe in me when I myself don't believe in me. Seriously, I have to change, but it's just so hard. I can finally get my head to not think of you anymore. On the downside, I'm starting to think about someone else who I know very well that I don't stand a chance at all to win her heart. I'm not sure if I can even go overseas at this point. I know I can visualise it, but the reference legs are just, almost impossible to be conjured out of the blue. I really miss having a camera to shot like stupid amateur photographers do, just for the sake of your own satisfaction and not to compete with other people's who are wayyyy better than your own photo. Really, you are the best for yourself. Hear that Munir? hahahah. I wanna watch Step Up 3D so badly this weekend. I think I'm starting to hate veges once I get here. I'm dreaming of producing WMDs and to make sure that it does not fall into the wrong hands, I will be controlling the dispatch and the battle plan and strategies. I just love grenade launchers and projectile motion is one of the most interesting and hardest thing that I have learned so far. I can't wait to learn the option on particle physics. LHC is going to retire in the next few years and the child LHC is even more cooler. Just imagine a 35 KM STRAIGHT PARTICLE COLLIDER. The INTERNATIONAL LINEAR COLLIDER (ILC). I think this would be the coolest of them all. Oh yeah, the Higgs-Bosson experiment (don't know the correct term) is 95% complete. I'm super excited about it. I'm starting to feel the boredom of the songs that I've been listening to. I just hope it's the lack of interest rather than getting bored with them. That would be catastrophic. Just imagine if I decided to delete all the songs. Disastrous. IELTS or TOEFL? Princeton or Carnegie-Mellon? Times or US News ranking? I wish I have a more advanced laptop cause it'll be much more convenient for me to do my presentations, but what the heck, I'm not that diligent anyway. SAT II in the 3rd sem. I think I'm overspending my money this Ramadan. Nauzubillah. I can't adjust to this Ramadan-College thing. I always end up sleeping during the afternoons and stay up late at night. This is bad. Call me if you want to talk to me cause I won't be calling you anymore. No, this doesn't include you people. Don't mind if I call any of you >:)

I'm posting here because there's less people who read of my writing here

2010-07-18T23:19:00.003+08:00

Not being good at something that you really like, and being average at things you are capable to do. If you want someone to be proud of, then you should stay away from me. I have nothing to offer but my flawed and less talented quality. It's not easy to admit this because trust me, when you read this, you will never see me as the same person you know, ever again. Who is going to help you? Nobody will. Nobody does. Why am I here? only one purpose I suppose, and that of I have no specialty anyway.

Live your life, even if it's not the way you want it. There was people who went through it before you. It's okay to be miserable, just don't make other people miserable like you. Be happy for those people, because there is still somebody who find hope and beauty in the world, because we knew that we wanted that. Don't envy, we still have that moral right? Smile for them, don't destroy the world just because you are one of us, let them take care of the rest of the world, that's our way to spread beauty and happiness.

2010-07-13T01:46:00.002+08:00

sometimes i wonder how it feels like to wrap myself around you, and focus on all of your movements. but yet again, i don't belong in that place. i can hear your words ring in my ears like how the wind howls when i run. running away from you. some words are better than anything this world could offer, while others, simply hurts.

I lost my heart to write here

2010-06-10T00:47:00.002+08:00

maybe start a new a blogspot. maybe delete. maybe gonna write again. whatever. i'm going on a soul-searching journey starting this moment. I've lost heart. I'm numb. I'm sick of this.

2010-06-07T23:30:00.003+08:00

you know very well that I can't possibly move on until I find another girl in my life, and before that, I can't afford to put false hopes on myself, it's going to crush me like it crushes you when you are left alone. You know that I love you, and I keep on playing unlikely scenes in my head about you and me. It's bad enough for me to want to talk to you, I'm happy if you're happy.

Playlist Major

2010-06-01T00:31:00.002+08:00

I have been driving for approximately 2 months now. 1 month ago, I started to bring my CD collection into my car so that I could listen to the songs that I actually like. lol. like my friend said, "A fresh breath from the songs that are set on highest rotation on radio" okay, so I used to burn lots of CDs and listen on my CD player. Now that I could drive, I listen to the songs in the car when I drive alone. Of course the songs are old songs back since I was 14 until last year. It's supposed to be boring and all, right? Turns out that the songs are awesome to be heard in the car. One of the reason is, I think that the car's audio system is the most badass stereo system that my family owned. ahahah. Almost all the song that I re-hear were awesome. I even have songs that I burned for the sake to pass the limit. When I heard it today, I instantly fell in love with those songs. Weird, innit? lol. Then I thought to burn a CD that I would definitely enjoy. The Mother Playlist. All the best songs from my life. 17 songs. What do you think? lol I wanna see who is going to comment in this. hahahahahahaha

hold me now, I need you to guide me to safety

2010-05-30T14:42:00.002+08:00

nuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu

2010-05-29T15:15:00.000+08:00

EVERYONE IS OUTSIDE THE HOUSE AND I'M STUCK HEREEEEE.

2010-05-28T15:21:00.002+08:00

I'd definitely hire a butler. Not just to be a helper, but as a friend as well :)

a human heart

2010-05-27T23:11:00.003+08:00

At the moment. I am not sure how to make myself better. In terms of emotions of course. I just don't know how to classify myself. Call me unfair, but I think I can stereotype just about everyone else except for myself, and for the love of God, I reeaaallly want to know which type if person I am. Things will get easier then. I would know what to do because someone else has done it for me. I just need to find the problem and look up for the solution which is already written in books and lines.

I believe everyone has a little narcissism inside of them. Who doesn't love to talk about their own self? I find it hard to repress myself at night. When no one is around. The only way to make things easier is to cool myself down in an air-conditioned room. I asked my dad if I have a volatile personality (turns out volatile means easily interchangeable. lolz), and he said that I do not. All I know is that I have a hard time if I am misunderstood. The right way to handle this situation is to prove things otherwise, delicately and full of revenge, should I say. You know, revenge is best served cold? and of course shut up and prove it. In my case, I don't think that the people who misunderstood me would ever know that I am not the person that they are labeling me for, but guess again, I always blow up and argue about it. What follows is typically me realising that I am what they say.

Change? your old self will catch up anyway. Why bother change for something that you are built in with?

Negativity. If you haven't noticed yet, most people in the world are. They would definitely bring you down. Okay, There are these people in the world who are just plain negative. You can't do this. You'll never achieve this. This is impossible. What are you thinking? That's not going to work. Man, for the better future of mankind and it's future history, there is a time when you don't need to listen to them, and of course, you have to listen, and maybe change your views. Change is constant right? only a handful of things are not to be changed in this world. Alright, back to listening to other people's opinion, can anyone in this world tell me when should I listen and when do I should not? If Thomas Edison would give up after experiencing so much failure and all the pessimistic views of the people around him, we wouldn't have the light that we are using to light our homes. Screw that, this screen you're looking right now is most likely to not be around. Then, if you don't hear people's advice, you could be wasting your time to do something that is not worthwhile.

I am really not ready to go into the real world. I only have a few friends and fewer views about the world. Decisions, decisions. Which decisions are to be made? If I do this instead of this, what would happen to me? If I buy that to give her this, will she like it or is she going to dump me? More importantly, is this gonna make me stay alive? I need people who can guide me through all this absolute bullshit and a world full of sharks. But then, being dependent really sucks. Oh well, trust is the most precious thing for me now. It's hard to find. Honesty, Integrity, Professionalism, Friendship, Wisdom. How do I find this? It's like treasure hunting for a really rare element that only myths are the only thing that sing to you of it's existence. Do I still have hope? Do I still have love? these are the two things I'll never know and should be less questioned and be forgotten. Goodbye my careless and playful days, I'm diving into an ocean of doubt and challenges. Pray that I triumph and would one day say what the great ones have said before me.

I made it.

2010-05-26T22:08:00.002+08:00

Miroslav Klose Michael Ballack Lukas Podolski Phillip Lahm Bastian Schweinsteiger

If Malaysia doesn't enter the world cup, my nationality becomes German and these players are my favourites. and like most countries, they are using new blood for their primary line-up. Mostly for Deutschland. Hopefully they can live up to their past players' performance!

GEHEN DEUTSCHLAND!

the problem with my brain is

2010-05-23T11:53:00.002+08:00

when it is flooded (note flooded) with new information, the ones that i have received a few minutes earlier can be considered almost gone. I wonder if it has anything to do with my diet intake and the nutrients that is assimilated, you know, like sour food and carbonated drinks.

Then i wonder if the information is still there and could not be retrieved or the information is lost from the memory. I wonder. lol

Live curious.

2010-05-22T20:52:00.002+08:00

i haven't had the moment when everything was wrong for a really long time. after all this while, it came back. i need an escape. seems like everybody is having a good time at the moment. and now i finally understand the need to bury yourself deep so that you won't bother the already shot people with your little misery. it's nothing if you want to compare with other people's. please God, teach me how to be grateful with all that You have given me. I beg of you. You are the only hope, this humble slave's hope.

weakness

2010-05-21T15:07:00.002+08:00

This is my verge of change. I thought I was ready really, to leave it all behind. I said that I can't wait to go to college and everything, but being a teenager with hormones all over and all the stimuli out there, I too can become sentimental. It's a weakness actually. The weakness of not being able to let go things easily and cling on to it for as long as you can.

I'll give you what I can picture.

I have a postcard from UK. My sister bought it for me when she was visiting my other sister in UK. I don't see it every time I enter the room. I don't fetch it and watch the photo over and over again when I am going to sleep. It's the thought that it's still there that doesn't make me feel that I have lost something. I notice it sometimes I want to get something out of the desk.

Then there's my primary school photo. At that time I was madly in love with my ex-girlfriend. I couldn't stop staring at that picture a while ago. Now it's kept in my drawer and of course it's not the top photo that I'll see.

I have the fedora hat that I used for march past last year. The one that the blue house won. It was terrific to have that hat. I had to fight for the hat actually. Now I don't really wear it. I don't know what am I supposed to do with it. There's just so much memory. Good. Bad. Memories are memories. What I am concerned about is that clinging onto those memories that could possibly devastate and bring me down. I am not the person who can motivate myself. I should be, but I can't. Not that I didn't try to be.

Building the future is based on what you did in the past. Some could help you and some would hold you back. Sometimes I don't even remember her, that is the time when I am at my best. When I think about her, or mainly about the memories of her, I couldn't do anything without thinking about her, and almost everything that I do reminds of her. But everybody knows that she's so far away from me now. Not looking back. I feel sad for myself for being this hopeless. I feel so weak. So left behind. So stupid. So uncontrollable. But then again, I can never change that fact. Remember "you can change your clothes, change your style, change your friends but your old self will always catch-up" ?

I just want to get rid of her memory so I wouldn't be so sad and desperate and demotivated. But how can I? There is only one way, thought I'm not really sure if it's going to happen.

I'm waiting for you to come into my life, love. When you do, I promise I won't leave you. Tell me what you want and I would do it. I wouldn't want it any other way. You deserve me and I deserve you. Just you wait.

gosh, busy with exams

2010-05-19T16:27:00.001+08:00

pfft. sorry. i'm out of school. muahahaha. the reason that i haven't been posting is either i have lots of work to do, or i got nothing to say, or the fact that mom's back and i am sleepy. not sure though. hohoho. anyway, off to collegeee

aw man, i'm uninspired now. darn

2010-05-15T22:29:00.002+08:00

well, all that i could say is that I can't wait for Prince of Persia. 27th May. nuuuu. I wanna watch it before I go to college please? Please MARA, eventhough I gave you a stupid and immature answer back then, you should know that I dream to suck all of their knowledge and bring it back to Malaysia and contribute and make this country far better than any other country that is listed at the UN. I wanna make trains and subways and discover new elements from outer space and make spaceports and interstellar transmitters and give lots of money to my parents and myself oso. sigh. I assure you MARA you will not be disappointed if you give it to me. :( :( :( :( :(

Malaysia has MPH right? I mean a locally owned bookstore. Indonesia has Gramedia and the only branch that I know is at the Mines Shopping Mall in Bangi. I'm not exactly sure why, but there are certain books that I could find at Gramedia and not at MPH. lolz. I don't know about that. Okay, so I was looking for a book to target, (I hunt for books first, then I would beg my mom to buy it for me) and I found this book titled 'The Shadow of The Wind' Turns out the book is a bestseller and the summary is quite intriguing. I'm sure it's pretty darn outdated, but I don't care lol.

Okay, so today, I was driving my family to lunch. We were talking normally and then we came to a T-junction. There was no other cars and I was really sure about that, and then I made a right turn to find a parking spot. Then, my sister made a rhetorical question, "You're having a hard time to hit the brakes at junctions, do you?"

"Yeah, you could say that. Plus I don't like to slow down a car" I replied.

Then everyone else in the car backed her up saying, "You should always slow down a car at junctions eventhough there aren't any cars around"

My dad said that driving is all about anticipation. No daaad, driving on the road is. Driving on a race track is all about pressing you pedal to the floor and change gears and overtaking slowpokes. I think. No. pfft. I hope next week's Tae Kwon Do class is not my last. teehee -.-

2010-05-14T11:50:00.001+08:00

yeah, i should actually say friday i'm in love again but i posted it yesterday so, no point in doing it. lolz

college football

2010-05-13T19:38:00.002+08:00

now i remember how much i dislike school. it's a battlefield out there. i mean socially. now that i remembered how it felt to be the geeky guy in school, i definitely do not want to repeat school. that's why i want to be older. Alright maybe college isn't any different, but note this, in college, your knowledge is infinite. you can be the person you really are. either you're a party person, chemist, jock, nerds, techies, foodie, shopaholic, musician, inventor. Whatever. People in colleges become more matured and open and focused. Some are cocktails of personality, I mean I've seen a goth chic who is really, a Marine Biologist. How rad is that? As for me, I'm going to work really hard to get my Ph.D someday. Yes, I wanna do research. Doesn't matter in which field, just research. That's what's important now. If my inventions are worthy enough, it'll be patented and I'll be rich, aaaand going all over the world before 50.

2010-05-13T17:12:00.002+08:00

ranting at the door. wasted. banging. crushing the bed. throwing books. breaking windows. but not the tv. it's sacred. yeah bang the computers. they're useless. lolz. ahah. now i need coffee. off to starbucks. getting a newspaper at 2.67 am in the morning. reading it with full of attention. then i just drop. sleep at the counter. and get a phone number. like i ever have the courage to call. and sleep on the counter. move on to the diner's counter. then the fast food. then the supermarket. then the cheap coffee shop. there, i fell asleep well. no interruptions. then the national anthem played. i stand tall. with my right hand over my chest. and fell asleep again. oh well. being wasted is a good thing i guess.

2010-05-10T21:55:00.001+08:00

For a female bodybuilder, she looks stunning. Her name is Farah Malhass, 20-years-old, and she is from Amman, Jordan. Read about it online. One of the first female bodybuilder from the Arabian countries.

too bad you guys ditched blogspot for tumblr. muahahaha

2010-05-09T20:02:00.002+08:00

And so, today I had butter rice, potato salad, and baked chicken. hohohooo. it's so good, dudes.

As I said,

TOO BAD YOU GUYS DITCHED BLOGSPOT. HA-HA-HAAA

okay, so what are the odds that any two of the guys decided to open my blogspot page and discover this? I would say a very solid 1% but hey, the remaining 99% is the probability that they will not log on, so why should i be worried? hahahaha.

Oh damn

2010-05-06T16:37:00.002+08:00

In dire need of participating in full contact sport. Need bruises and cuts. how about fractures and breaks? idk about that. but i definitely do not want sprains. joint pains are serious killers.

Here's something I thought was fun to write down lol

2010-04-30T14:56:00.002+08:00

Alright so here's the thing, After the friday prayers, me and my dad headed to A&W at section 7, had our lunch there cause there's no food at home, and so we talked normally and suddenly a topic that we haven't talked for a while came up, it was F1! hahah. Okay, maybe it's nothing much to you, but it's a passion for us both. I used to ask him all about cars, and I ventured a little bit more and that's how I fell in love with automotive engineering. Because of him, I knew almost everything I need to know about cars. I could literally watch a car and analyse each and every part of it. Well, not technically and all the serials like "Oh, this is a 43FDSAzA type series intake valve." That would be stupid to do anyway. hahah

and so, he said, yesterday he and his colleagues went to Sepang International Circuit (SIC) for a business meeting or something? and there was this technical advisor for Petronas if I'm not mistaken. At that time, there was this event called Formula 3 BMW. My dad said, the guy said, the F3 cars' engines can drive the cars more than 300 KM per hour. It was quite astounding because the engines are actually only 1200 cubic centimeters (cc). I said to my dad that then Formula 1 cars are actually slowpokes then. Apparently the V8 engines of the F1 cars can actually drive the car up to more than 400 KM per hour! THERE IS NOT A CAR THAT COULD GO ANY FASTER THAN THAT :D

Just imagine if there aren't any building rules on the cars, the cars would be speeding down at 400 KM per hour down the straight stretches. sigh* And those are V8s mind you, a few years back, the cars were using V12s! IMAGINE THAT I CAN'T RETAIN MYSELF ANYMORE IT'S SO FRIGGIN' FAST!!! :D :D :D Oh well, I can't imagine the amount of G-forces exerted on the bodies of the drivers. But I guess it's less stress than fighter jet pilots, tight maneuvers and all, that should be fun. lol.

And get this, the type of petrol/gasoline that we are using right now in our cars are actually the fuel that the F1 cars use. Apparently they can't use additives in their fuels like high-octane ones. So, in short, Formula 1 races are very much the most prestigious automotive technology competition in the world. The only variants in this competition is the technology in each car, the skill of the drivers, and of course, the aerodynamic profile of the cars. Thanks to F1 in school technology challenge, I've learned very much about the racing world. I am not kidding, alright? there are so many thing to consider and plan and decide and report and argue, it's just an eye opener for me about the working experience. Okay, so carry on with your lives then. lol

in this wake

2010-04-27T23:36:00.001+08:00

I miss you so. hold on. get some rest first, alright? Let's meet and talk. I'd like that. you?

2010-04-22T21:47:00.002+08:00

Now, I have two things to wish. Either there would be an intergalactic spaceship coming here to pick me up because they found out that my track record is suitable to become their new captain so that my life would be a little bit interesting and there is a sense of purpose. Or, wish that I could be your true love. We all know what you want. So, *i wish that there would be an intergalactic spaceship coming here to pick me up because they found out that my track record is suitable to become their new captain so that my life would be a little bit interesting and there is a sense of purpose

Once I did

2010-04-22T11:04:00.002+08:00

Work is tiring. day by day. Doing the work he loves. Though he loves it, it could be hard at times, especially in the unpredictable economical climate. He loves his work. He is doing what he has learned to be really good at, and is born to do so. After a long, hard, bountiful day's work, he heads home. His sanctuary. His place where he could give and have all the love for himself, all in his own little house, all in his own little family. A smart, vivacious little girl and an outgoing, curious son, came to see their dad at the front porch, parking the car under the shades. Waiting for their dad to open the door to greet him with excitement. He would embrace them in his arms and would ask them how was their day, how was school, what did they do while waiting for him, didn't they helped mom out. He loved them so much. Then, he would go to the kitchen to flung himself around his heart and soul, his world, his strength, his wife. He would peck her in the cheek and kiss her affectionately, telling her how much he missed her today and how much he loves her. Later, he would help her prepare dinner together with the kids, having fun while they're at it. They would sit around the table right after sundown, and have their meals together. He didn't remember how tiring was today, because he has the cure in his hands. His beautiful, loving, little family.

But this is just an illusion.

He heads to a home where he comes back to hear a slam on the door. Silence. The smell of grease and oil coming from the garage. His breath. He flicks the switch and throws himself on the couch. That's his bed. That's not the sanctuary he wanted. A place where he could feel safe and warm, with love all around him. Where memories should be filled with days with a soulmate, not hardworking, lonely days, spent hours on end watching television and work. But he knows, somewhere else in a place like this, a middle-aged man is doing the same thing. Someone has to live their lives alone. Someone has to do it. Not everyone gets to have the love you see in books and films. The world is only fair when someone out of the billions to not feel love. At least not anymore. The world is only fair.

Anima Mundi

2010-04-19T22:47:00.002+08:00

My mom reckons I should learn a new language. Here goes
swear by the name of Pythagoras
wishing that I could drive to Subang Jaya. JUST Subang Jaya -.-
The Bounty Hunter was a total letdown
The Longest Yard was a total lifter
IRON MAN 2 IS COMING OUT ON THE 30TH.
LoG's Set To Fail is my anthem. for life. forever.
torn between joining Cilantro's culinary arts or Malaysian Institute of Bakery. hahahahah
I really want to snap shots again. I really miss the Olympus
Ayrton Senna sounds so awesome
Krav Maga = bad shit = useful shit
Mechatronics or Aerospace?
wish that I could grow a little bit taller, maybe 5'7" ? hahahah
tackles and tries <3
I want a dog, a golden lab. and I wanna name him Marley. hahahaha
Dato' Seri Najib is in New York. Curse youu, good luck mr. prime minister :D
oh yeahh, Tokio Hotel's concert sounds good, so does Kelly Clarkson's
Terra Aqua Aer Ignis <3
Cardio's critical now. this is bad
Aston Martin's Rapide is truly sexyy. mmm
and so many people said that How To Train Your Dragon is a good movie -.- so gonna watch it. hahah

explore every avenue

2010-04-17T19:52:00.002+08:00

I thought 'jizz' was a dirty word. I was quite shocked when my dad and my sister said it. buuuuut it's alright, i kept quiet and talked :D so many things to see, the world is an awesome place, i love that tagline, discovery never fails, discovery channel, discovery mag, discovery space shuttle, whatever works. and what d'ya know? I'm getting rid of all the things that makes me sad, i figured, hey, if i have to live my life alone, i should get fucking rich and donate and donate and donate just to keep myself happy. and i remembered this; when you're done with a fruitful task, move on to another. so yeah, i'm gonna start a very interesting and meaningful task, make sure it's done, and move on to another one. so many things to do, so many things in store, job hopping seems kinda fun for a single guy. i remembered this guy on fear factor said that he was a baker, a teacher, and whatever that gives him money. seems like a fun thing to do. But hell naw, i'm gonna get my engineer's degree first, and thennn, i'll wait for my friend to become awfully rich like his dad and we're gonna get our pilot's license, and then I thought about being a fighter jet pilot, that's gonna be fun, take it to the skies :) and guess what? being a pilot means globetrotting, maybe i should do that! and get married if i'm lucky enough :D alright, first step, doing the foundation studies/pengajian asasi, the first step of a thousand miles.

take this beating

2010-04-14T23:42:00.003+08:00

"It's all about having some kind of control. Look out there, all the farms are closing and the only store in this district is the mortgage, they need some kind of control in their lives, that's what they're looking for here, and it's two guys beating the crap out of each other."

"They take control of the things in their lives, but what I control, is right here."

You may bleed, and fall, and lose out, watch all the world by your side win their fights, and the only thing left for you to do is never give up, kneel even if it takes forever, at least you die with dignity all over your name. Take it all in, someone has got to live with it. I think it's mine to live.

2010-04-13T23:48:00.002+08:00

words are superficial for me

songs are too absurd to comfort

poems are pretty much words, get the idea right?

photographs are too subjective to give amazement

saying 'I think you should do this' is just amazingly stupid

but I really want to make things a little bit better for you

but I just don't know how

this sucks

know that you are strong

you'll pull this through,

that I dare say

empathy is insufficient right now, I know

but yes, someday everything is going to be perfectly fine

everything done in the way it's supposed to be.

let yourself in that future, it's waiting for you

you are so beautiful

2010-04-11T15:08:00.002+08:00

I walk. In the drizzle I did. Walking down the pavements, the alleys, the parking lots, sidewalks, parks and I want to pick up my pace, but now everything just speeds up and they leave me behind, everything, the cars, bikes, planes, ships, trains, rockets, bicycles, all leaving me behind all of them have their own vessel to steer, they won't care about me because they have a life of their own. Yes, they have their lives, their love, their strength that compels them forward, to achieve greatness, succeed and make their loved ones proud of them, unlike me who is left alone in this world. Even if I do but who is going to be there when everything is gone and turned to dust? Then, everything just got faster and faster and their image is getting blurred or more likely I am now being warped down the black hole that seems endless and crushing down on me. Everything, everything just pressing down on me, the pressure, the tasks, the memories, the hopes, the faith, the expectations, the unlikely future, everything is only a mere fabric in this world, what do you want from me world? I thought I knew what love was. I thought I knew how to be happy, but what's more important and even more disappointing is that I thought I knew how to make you happy. You are the thought, the soul, the beating heart, the hopes, the melody, the harmony, the voices, the memories, the ocean, the skies, the green green grass, the words, the paragraphs, the vibrations, the hopes, the crashing waves, the fears, the stars, the mind inside of me where nothing is there if you go away, the song, the blood that brings me life, the show on tv when everyone is just ignoring you, the mirror that says "you are good enough" every time people shot you down, the person who I were to kiss at the seaside or the mountaintop, every thought of everyday, every star that is counted, the tears that are gone unknown, every movie, every ghost that passes by me, every drop of rain that hits my face, the fluffy white clouds, the smell of a good book, all the pleasure of the world crammed in you and just for someone special to you to get a little taste of heaven. Now, imagine that if you were gone. Now I'm a white dwarf, glowing, dull, unable to give life, forgotten, soon to go out, and once that I do, will disintegrate and let the gravity scatter my elements all over that place. Nothing. I love you.

im stuck, and it sucks

2010-04-10T20:07:00.001+08:00

I know a place we could go, where you fall in love so hard that you'll wish you were ten

2010-04-10T02:08:00.002+08:00

One of those fucking awful black days when nothing is pleasing and everything that happens

is an excuse for anger. An outlet for emotions stockpiled, an arsenal, an armour. These are

the days when I hate the world, hate the rich, hate the happy, hate the complacent,

the TV watchers, beer drinkers, the satisfied ones. Because I know I can be all of those

little hateful things and then I hate myself for realising that. There's no preventative,

directive or safe approach for living. We each know our own fate. We know from our youth

how to be treated, how we'll be received, how we shall end. These things don't change.

You can change your clothes, change your hairstyle, your friends, cities,

continents but sooner or later your own self will always catch up. Always it waits in the

wings. Ideas swirl but don't stick. They appear but then run off like rain on the windshield.

One of those rainy day car rides my head implodes, the atmosphere in this car a mirror of

my skull. Wet, damp, windows dripping and misted with cold. Walls of grey. Nothing good on

the radio. Not a thought in my head.

Lets take life and slow it down incredibly slow, frame by frame with two minutes that take

ten years to live out. Yeah, lets do that.

Telephone poles like praying mantras against the sky, metal arms outstretched. So much land

travelled so little sense made of it. It doesn't mean a thing all this land laid out behind

us. I'd like to take off into these woods and get good and lost for a while. I'm disgusted

with petty concerns; parking tickets, breakfast specials. Does someone just have to carry

this weight? Abstract typography, methane inconvenience, linear gospel, Nashville sales

lady, and torturous lice, mad Elizabeth. Chemotherapy bullshit.

The light within you shines like a diamond mine, like an unarmed walrus, like a dead man

face down on the highway. Like a snake eating its own tail, steam turbine, frog farm,

two full closets burst open in disarray, soap bubbles in the sun, hospital death bed,

red convertible, shopping list, blowjob, deaths head, devils dancing, bleached white

buildings, memories, movements, the movie unfeeling, unreeling, about to begin.

I've seen your hallway, you're a darn call away, I've hear your stairs creak. I can fix

my mind on your yes, and on your no. I'll film you face today in the sparkling canals,

all red, yellow, blue, green brilliance and silver Dutch reflection. Racing thoughts,

racing thoughts. All too real, you're moving so fast now I cant hold your image. This

image I have of your face by the window, me standing beside you arm on your shoulder.

A catalogue of images, flashing glimpses then gone again.

Every clear afternoon now I'll picture you up in the air twisting your heel, your knees

up around me, my face in your hair. You scream so well, your smile so loud it still rings

in my ears.

Imitation. Distant, tired of longing. Clean white teeth. Stay the course. Hold the wheel.

Steer on to freedom. Open all the boxes.

Open all the boxes.

Times Square midday: newspaper buildings, news headlines going around, you watch as they go,

and hope that some good comes. Those tree shadows in the park they're all whistling chasing

leaves. Around six pm, shadows across cobblestones, girl in front of a bathroom mirror she

slowly and carefully and paints her face green and mask like. A portrait. A green stripe.

Long shot through apartment window, a monologue on top but no girl in shot. The light

within you shines like a diamond mine, like an unarmed walrus, like a dead man face down

on the highway. Like a snake eating its own tail steam turbine, frog farm, two full closets

burst open in disarray, soap bubbles in the sun, hospital death bed, red convertible,

shopping list, blowjob, deaths head, devils dancing, bleached white buildings, memories,

movements. The movie unreeling, about to begin.

Be Safe, The Cribs

Interceptive

2010-04-07T22:22:00.002+08:00

I don't want to count days, seriously I don't, but hell no my brain is too stupid to stop myself from doing so. I haven't started doing the essay for the MARA interview. No research. No rehearsals. NO, like WAT? I guess this is what I'll be facing when I'm alone in overseas. Hopefully not. Today, I never thought that I could make it through. I mean, the mornings were still okay, then slept, then went to see the boys, then the computer happened. Shit. Thank god it was the computer who made it bearable for me too. I don't know if I could sleep if it didn't help me. I think today, The Subways, Bullet, Slipknot, and Meet The Robinsons saved my life. I mean, I would love to parade in my house today screaming "KEEP MOVING FORWAAARD, KEEP MOVING FORWAAAARD" but I guess something else made my day. Tomorrow, the results for Petronas scholarship is coming out, and I'm pretty nervous alright. I'm thinking of watching Pleasantville, serious help for mankind other than Forrest Gump. Oh yeah, Fight Club is overly rational now. I could see why the movie is very much popular. I could make a connection there. And can you believe I never watched Godfather? NUUUU I know, I have a sad life :D

"You have to know which liars you just hate, or liars that are just worth loving"

- Harlan, Adam (2009)

And hey, Meet The Robinsons gave me hope that a researcher/innovator will live with lots of money. false hope :( hahah whatever

sadness is actually good for me

2010-04-05T23:40:00.002+08:00

do you have any idea how it feels to see someone you love, love someone else?

I bet you do

2010-03-31T00:21:00.002+08:00

Well, I got no life anymore, so here I go again

Today, I had breakfast at McDonalds. BIG SATISFACTION. I had Sausage McMuffin with egg AND Sausage McMuffin. and of course, the awesome hash brown and a good cuppa coffee. That's a good way to start my day.
Did the editing stuff to put my certificates' images into a single word document. That was really tiring. I guess I got a taste of what office work is like. BIG SIGH
Then, the results for MARA came out. It was a long story if I wanna write about it, but I would just say that I got the interview :) hopefully, ADFP after this.
I thought of playing with Z today, but suddenly it rained :( so I watched Ninja Assassin instead. It was gory like people said. Sometimes it looks kind of weird to see all the blood spills and everything. hahah. Overall, I'd give a solid 6 for the good storyline, flashbacks, martial arts, and the sweet sweet revenge :D
oh yeah, SWAT was on axn. Good stuff there, it's been a long time since I watched that. I used to watch it every weekend when I was in primary. Now, with better usage of words and everything, I think it was really really good. hahah.
Didn't finish my Sime Darby essay, just because I thought it was closed exactly at 12 am. and I left the second essay with a dash. If my dad finds out about this, I'm gonna be dead meat for sure.

Tomorrow's a Wednesday, same old same old. Hopefully it won't rain in the evening :)

another small step closer

2010-03-30T16:49:00.002+08:00

Tonight I could watch SWAT a little bit relaxed cause I got the MARA interview. Still, just an interview. Got to ace that one. Then, off for ADFP :D

Number 1, time is running out

Number 2, time is running out

Number 3, time is running out

Number 4, time is running out

Love it when they are doing their trials on the airplane. Good stuff there, and then there is Michelle Rodriguez. I had a crush on her for a short while after watching that movie. hahah. that's a laugh. Yes, hispanic. mmm :D

vintage girls, uhuh

2010-03-29T14:35:00.004+08:00

I don't know why, but I just can't get enough of this photo. I could look at this hundreds of time and still drool. WHO IS THAT WOMAN?

dear friend,

2010-03-28T08:35:00.002+08:00

I'll keep this one short and simple. I don't like to see you sad, so I'll tell you a secret. Happiness could be unintentional, but trust me, like all the scientists and the content have proved for you, happiness is a state of mind.

Tell yourself that you're happy. Convince yourself that you're happy. I'm sure things will get better.

And another thing, forgive yourself. If you don't forgive yourself, then everything will be too much to handle. That is not what you need this year.

I'm always here to talk. I promise things will not be anymore complicated, friend :)

when they get back, it won't be the same

2010-03-24T21:07:00.003+08:00

Avenged Sevenfold - Second Heartbeat

The most hardcore love song you'll ever hear in your entire life :D

Look at them, still young, still young. sigh.

RIP Rev

remember how you made me crazy?

2010-03-22T13:47:00.008+08:00

The Ataris - The Boys of Summer

Out on the road today
I saw a 'black flag' sticker on a Cadillac
A little voice inside my head said, "Don't look back, You can never look back."
I thought I knew what love was
What did I know?
Those days are gone forever
I should just let them go but

So, here's why i chose this song today :

Well, first of all, the lyrics to this song is simply awesome*
This song is actually an old song by Don Henley, that's why the lyrics are awesome anyway. No one could possibly write a song that could keep up with this kind of music anymore. Sad songwriters :D
The music video itself is superb. Look at the setting of that place, the fast motions of trees swaying, wide green fields, blue skies, cool running water, an old bridge, the hills and mountains. Reminds me of how James Dean died.
The drumbeats of this song really caught my attention. It's heavy but it doesn't go haywire when you play it like the the metal grooves. It's arranged rather orderly.
Plus, I think this song has a good quality of recording. I could hear the guitar quite clearly, even the bass, and I can understand most of what he's singing about.
And lastly, The Ataris were awesome during this song came out, then they got booorrrriiinng. even now. hahah

So, enjoy your day cause I hope I can enjoy mine :)

Nikola Tesla

2010-03-20T13:09:00.003+08:00

free energy (!)

WHATEVER HAPPENED TO THAT?

you can't measure the amount of usage, thus leaving the rich, poor

keep up with me.

Nikola Tesla invented free energy. Haven't researched about what REALLY happened. Still, this is the breakthrough that could have been. Solving the humankind's dilemma over the energy issue.

and that's why i love Russia. hahah

an urge to know and find, curiosity

2010-03-19T19:33:00.002+08:00

I remember last year, I did a presentation for the Bahasa Malaysia's Ujian Lisan Berasaskan Sekolah? (ULBS), which is actually the oral test for Bahasa Malaysia, and it was about the history, uses, and the future of rockets and space travel. It was like 8 paragraphs long and each paragraph is 8 lines at least. 2 pages only though. hahah.

So, my turn was pretty late actually, i was like the 21st person i think? The whole class was almost done when it was my turn. So, I came in front and made my presentation in front of the class. They were bored I guess, not many people were paying attention to me at that time. Don't have to ask the people at the back, of course. Even the ones who sat in front was doing their own sweet work. I didn't care much because I was literally talking to the rear wall of the class, and the teacher of course (!)

But one thing's for sure, I had quite a fun time doing that. I get to talk about rockets and the potential of making Malaysia one of the space hubs in the world, I mean come on, There's only like 4 launch sites in the world, which is Kazakhstan, US, India, and China. Even US is gonna make a commercial spaceport in New Mexico. Not to mention a functioning one in California's Mojave Desert.

Speaking about spaceports, last month, me and my family went to Kedah to visit my gramma's house. So, cut the story short, we went to Padang Besar to do a little shopping (you wouldn't understand. You guys are rich people :| ). On the way to Padang Besar, we had to go through this place called Chuping. It's not much if you compare to the prairies in other countries, but it's something. The place is not really flat, but it's wide open space and you can see the blue sky and the greens around you. Here, I'd like to say that Chuping could possibly be a potential spaceport. hahah. It's ridiculous though, cause that place records the highest temperature ever recorded than any other spot in Malaysia.

But seriously, that place could be a spaceport. It's huge and flat. Maybe something like the Baikonur Cosmodrome could be built there. But then again, as I said before, it's not something that's never gonna happen in the near future. The most potential agency in Malaysia to urge the government to invest in this field is Ministry of Defence, but judging by the failure for us to use KD Tunku Abdul Rahman without having a major breakdown is quite a vivid sign that space travel is not yet for us to explore. Aerospace Engineering? Very interesting, but no promising job. Not unless you are trusted enough by the US or Russian government to join their space program :D

Man, I can write so much stuff when it comes to rockets and all that stuff. So next time, I'm gonna write about gunner machines. Since I watched 'Avatar', I've kinda fell in love with Mechatronics and I can't stop thinking about the potential it could bring in the future. I mean, gunner machines mann. That could replace the tanks, I think? Imagine the world when the workers you see by the road only use machines (you can't say robots because robots "sense, think and act" I'm talking about human controlled machines) like the ones in Avatar to the hard job of patching up potholes and digging up tunnels. Do high risk maintenance and of course, defense purposes. That could bring so much advantages. Not sure about health though, and shortage of jobs as the need for human energy is reduced. Maybe? Maybe we won't be seeing highways anymore. Flying cars all around? That would be awesome, and put me out of my job :( hahah

See you guys, whoever who reads this shit :)

Hey there Delilah, here's to you. This one's for you

2010-03-15T15:17:00.004+08:00

Plain White Ts - Hey There Delilah

Hey there Delilah,

I've got so much left to say,

If every simple song I wrote to you would take your breath away,

I'd write it all, even more in love with me you'd fall,

We'd have it all

So, here are the reasons I like this song :

Simple, it's an instant girl-melting song. SERIOUSLY
Okay, then because the video was shot in New York and in a house where the location is unknown, but still, they showed how beautiful New York City was. <3
Then, the song is simple to play, well if you use the simple tab of course. There is this one tab where you have to play 3 strings at the same time, but I'd go for 2 strings. Sounds good enough for me :)
Alright, this must be one of the most untrue things I think I have ever heard, is that, my voice suits to this kind of song, you know what I'm saying? I did not say it, okay? Somebody else did. ha-ha-ha
Aand I'm almost finished with this song (Alright, I'm not a smooth guitar player. SPARE ME -.-)
I remember when I was in late form 3, hearing this song for the first time (!) and there was this line saying "2 more years and you'll be done with school" so, me and azme was like, "Why didn't get to know this song earlier? We could try this for the auditions!" cause we got someone whom we like in form 3. DON'T JUDGE US. lol

So that's just about it, enjoy it people :) whoever that is -.- hahah

the problem with looks

2010-03-15T10:14:00.002+08:00

look at that, it's so beautiful. I could never give you that, though I do want to.

Mr. Gump says hi to you kids "HI!"

2010-03-14T01:07:00.002+08:00

When i jumped out of the car, I ran, it was purely unintentional. It started off as a slow run, but then I started to pick up the pace, then I felt it, maybe what mr. Forrest Gump felt when he started his epic run from coast to coast. One step at a time I landed my feet alternately on the hard asphalt. The paces getting faster than the ones before. Then I ran and ran and ran because there's something going in my head that told me to keep on running faster. The very diminished sense of satisfaction caused by the act of running away aroused in my chest. For a moment I forgot all these unnecessary story of mine. I stopped. I heaved in the twilight air into my lungs. I felt that small piece of feeling content for a split second. Not enough for me to savor, to indulge in and disappear.

2010-03-12T02:22:00.003+08:00

When I was a kid, I was content. Being a kid right?

Well, this movie taught me a lot of things.

love, loneliness, bliss, fear

I watched this movie alone at home when everyone was asleep and I was having a slight temperature.

I learned about loneliness the most from this movie. I never knew what was it like before that. But when I finish watching this movie. I felt hollow and I can't help but to cry alone.

I guess that's the way it is. The easiest way for you to learn about the bitter things in life is through the screen. Empathy is powerful, and toxic if taken used excessively

you know, when i was younger,

2010-03-12T01:53:00.003+08:00

I don't want to mess up your head. never

how can I do it again?

2010-03-09T23:36:00.002+08:00

wondering what are the perfect words to say to place in a very nicely put string of speech

somehow i don't know what to say anymore

I mean, moments should be meaningful right?

first sunday of the month

2010-03-07T22:59:00.003+08:00

Okay, so today well, let me list down what is significant

Helped mom cook Lontong. A usual work, but she could be so moody at times. That's that
Had a fight. Who's not important, but I felt so guilty and tried to be nice ever since. I'm gonna get paid for this. Worried as hell. I mean, the results are coming out right? :S
Tried sleeping at 11 am, fell asleep at 12 pm, and slept for 3 and a half hours. THAT SUCKS. MLIA
Dad let me drive. For the second time. At night :D Got a good scream though, well idc, i get to drive. That's all that matters anyway. Ha-Ha
Barbeques. I forgot it was a potluck. So, yeah. Had little fun though. Social meets, of course you get at least some fun. hahaha
So now, I discovered that I love lists. Only now. Facts. Like nerds. Geeks. Oh well, at least I have something :B

Goodnight everybody

I always want to say that in a talk show. I mean, I'm the host, like,

yeahhh :D

so long

you found may, you found may

2010-03-07T16:12:00.004+08:00

The Fray - YOU FOUND ME

Lost and insecure, you found me, you found me
Lying on the floor surrounded, surrounded
Why'd you have to wait? Where were you? Where were you?
Just a little late, you found me, you found me

One of my favourite music videos of all time. And here's why:

The city in which they shoot the video is absolutely beautiful
I like it when they filmed when they were on rooftops, looking down, like a superhero. hahah
The guys were wearing some awesome long coats that I always wanted to wear, to which I never had the chance to wear one. Oh well
They filmed the part where they played on a bridge, and since then it became one of my dreams to shoot a music video/jam on a bridge, cause it looks super cool mann :D
Well, the city is beautiful at night, but when the scene changed to morning, I was like, WHOA, that is breathtaking :O
Lastly, it's because the song is really nice to hear. The lyrics sounds like my life at certain times.
And Long Coats! Someday, someday :D

under the knife

2010-03-04T09:28:00.002+08:00

He heard the ticks of the clock, the whirring sound of the fan, ruffles on his pillow, and the mad honks of the cars outside the apartment. He slowly opened his eyes, and watched the slow, steady turn of the fan on the ceiling. Still sleepy, he sits upon his bed. Then everything came back to his head. The work, the life, the friends, the fun, and then he thought about his love. Pity. It was the emotion where he is the only one missing out for that moment between him and his friends. He lowered his face into his hands and shuts his eyes. He could remember it. Clearly he saw her with his eyes. Then everything started to come back. He could feel her hands in his. Clutching tightly as they walked down the beach before sunset. The crashing waves on his feet. Her smile as they steal gazes with each other. He remembered what he felt at that time. Everything was his. The world and everything in it was his for that moment. He remembered the most when she was in his arms, helplessly watching the sunset with her. Then, she whispered into his ears, "Hold me close, don't let me go"

But she went away from his life, and everyday he spent his days counting the days when he would find another love to replace that something where he is so sure of. Counting, searching, finding signs. While he lived through his life, he became weary and reality never brought him down, because now, he has nothing to lose. The world may not be his anymore, but he is part of the growing reality.

Life is never fair. Sometimes you lose some, sometimes you gain some.

2010-02-27T12:17:00.002+08:00

Loving countdowns more than ever now
Maps are simple fun
Scholarships are really hard to get these days
Driving a car with a stick is really good for your leg muscles
I miss jamming
I miss playing drums
I eat so much when I'm depressed
I want money for crying out loud T.T haha
Songs where people talk instead of singing are really cool
Rise Against could make really good songs and really lame songs all in the same album. ahah
Water rocket's not really my game, only burning fuel kind of rocket. hahah WTF?
OMG I miss Subway. hahahah
Been a really long time since i touched a guitar (musical instrument really. creys haha)
Waiting for me to turn 18 before going to the gym, since I don't want to retard my growth
OMG I MISS USING A CAMERA. (insert sobbing sound here) :( hahahah
Can't fucking wait to get out of the house :|

2010-02-26T12:24:00.002+08:00

Imagine,

If Jedis really exists.

That would be super fun, cause you get to jump really high above the ground, moving things without holding them (use the force, i mean), foreseeing the future, use lightsabers.

hmm, sounds like the perfect assassin

2010-02-14T00:15:00.002+08:00

save the words, either it heals or cuts
world, press on me

i don't want things to go the other way,
this isn't the way it's supposed to turn out
it's not the end

yet

darkness is not yet upon me
i still see light
don't you turn your back on me
because i never did and never will, whatever happens

ima fail. and 'stupid' is the first word that I'll hear when I wake up next morning.

i heard the scream of a thousand sins

2010-02-12T16:32:00.002+08:00

sing to me when the trees begin to murmur the howls of the wind
and when the water drips upon my face,
I would run through this storm
because I have nothing to lose

no thunder could stop me
no pain could endure me

when all that is done
I'll wait for the second wind
for I long to run and fall and to stand up again.
nobody could take this away from me.
I am the person who I am destined to be.
nobody could change me, even if I myself wanted to.
my blood will be the pay for this deed

heed my cries
I do not wail for nothing

feel it
feel it deep in your flesh and bones
the time has come
let the lethal spoken words pierce into your heart
let them have their win, today
for tomorrow
they will perish in their own light
sound nothing but your faith
let them suffer of their own hands' work

here are the facts

2010-02-10T23:22:00.002+08:00

I love Subway and I strongly think that there is no other sandwich which even comes close to tasting like Subway's
I like cookies as desserts. ahah
I think I drank about 2 or 3 cups of coffee today. OMG
Baseball is like Rounders, but only for pussies. hahah
I didn't know that talking over the phone could be so rejuvinating for me. heh
Playing catch is super fun, and now I found my playmate. yess :D
I wanna buy a new T-shirt from FOS. The new T-shirts at FOS Jusco Bukit Raja looks really nice to wear, especially the Jack & Jones Ts. eheh
Wondering if AXN will ever air the new season of House, or they just want us to be pirates and illegally download the whole season 5 of House M.D.
DW drum's Kitbuilder™ is lotsa fun when you're bored, provided that you are a drummer, or know things about drums :D
The new Firefox is kinda cool, I like it. ahah
Deep fried Chicken balls is a definite something. hohoh

of fear

2010-02-02T14:14:00.002+08:00

Have you watched Batman Begins? In that movie, they portrayed that Bruce Wayne is a person who is afraid of bats. This is shown when he thinks about his past when he fell into the cave, situated around his mansion's compound.

Then, when he trains at the ninja dojo on top of the mountain, he was tested for his skills, but he failed. He did well for that test, feared nothing and full of concentration. Nonetheless, he failed when he imagined bats were attacking him when he is dosed by a drug produced from blue roses.

The irony here, is that he uses what he fears, to instill fear in the hearts of the people who did wrong. The unjustly and the barbaric. He took what he feared over something that would amaze him deeply in heroism and justice, but he took what needed for him to restore the peace Gotham City haven't had for a long time.

Sometimes I think, that I should do the same thing. Taking what I fear and use it as a strength to bring back order and achievements. What I fear is something not important for you to know, but here, the message that I am trying to pass, is always take the crude things, and produce good from it.

Detonation, some crap that I wrote when I'm effin bored

2010-01-26T22:17:00.004+08:00

Combustion, pretty much my favourite chemical reaction. Preferably, a highly exothermic combustion. Like when Liquid Oxygen reacts with Hydrogen, and the rocket will vomit high velocity expanding hot gas through it's nozzle, creating a downwards force that will be balanced by the force acting on the opposite direction equally, this will create the thrust needed for the rocket to achieve great speeds, specifically about 5000+ mph to escape the earth's gravity.

That is actually the simplest explanation of the mechanism of a rocket. There's so much to it, that's why people say 'rocket science' to describe something really hard. But truthfully, it's really straight forward, it's not hard, it's just because there is so many things to handle at one time. temperature, pressure, velocity, time, impulse, mass, momentum, communication, orientation, stress. that's why you see there is so many counters at the mission control room.

But for me, the most interesting stuff is the research center, because you get to see tests, crash test, stress test, wind tunnel test, any tests you like practically. Then, the assembly room for the engines must be the most fascinating thing i would ever see. You can actually see that the people who handle the assembly is just ordinary mechanics, not some fancy nerdy engineer who does the dirty work. The only difference between the mechanics there and the usual mechanics you meet at the workshop is that they are selected based on their records, discipline, and attitude, and they probably were specially trained by NASA to become their workers.

The engines doesn't really look like an engine anyway for a fact, they look like a big bulk of metal and wires entangled together to look really complicated, but frankly, they are immaculately put together to maximise effieciency and minimise damages as well as complications. You should see the show where they test an engine to be used by a space shuttle, it's super cool (for me anyway). They blasted for 800 seconds which is about 13 minutes. I recorded that show and watched it over and over and over again just because it's a rocket engine.

If you have time and everything, you should check out the videos about the Apollo missions, especially Apollo 11 where the rocket is the one that took Neil Armstrong, Buzz Aldrin, and Michael Collins to the moon. They used rockets in those times, now they use shuttles which are less fun than rockets, unlike Russia's Soyuz rockets. The Soyuz platform for take-off is really fun to see especially when take-off, the beams and poles used to hold on the rocket in place is taken off one by one until the rocket is at full thrust and at full take-off.

Oh, I just hope I could become a useful Aerospace Engineer, or maybe Aeronautical. Something above the ground, for sure. But considering the scholarship that is offered, this is just a mere dream. Unless Ministry of Defence becomes suddenly interested in this field. muahahah

culture

2010-01-17T22:50:00.002+08:00

a wise teacher of mine said to me ;

"In western culture, if you think you are wrong, you can still argue because you would still be heard.
But in eastern culture, if you think you are wrong, you better shut up because that is considered very rude."

This is painfully true.

Do you know when you have to shut up so that no bigger argument would come up between you and certain people? Yeah, that happened to me today. Well, maybe for the past few days.

You really want to argue to redeem yourself, but you just can't. You got to shut up and listen and burn your anger inside your heart.

The problem here is that a volcano is building inside. Collateral damage is inevitable if it explodes. Especially for men, fuelled with the still fresh hormones that causes irrational emotions to come up.

So, please pray that I could channel this feelings a better way than destruction and/or argument.
Because these two are what I've learned my whole life to avoid and swore to slowly remove it from my life.

of wisdom and amaze

2010-01-03T21:06:00.003+08:00

I was supposed to write this a few days ago but my sister had some work to do on the computer. aand got lazy. It doesn't matter anyway. So, I'll write it today :)

about 5 days ago, The highlight of the day was me and my family watching Sherlock Holmes. I know that for many, this movie is just another kind of superhero movie or something in that category. Still, I love this story so much.

Why? because it shows just how brilliant, observant, and knowledgeable Sherlock is.

I myself, am not a fan of Sherlock Holmes before this. In fact, I would avoid any books that contained any element connected to mystery, murder and investigation. But thanks to Guy Ritchie and his superb filming technique, the witty storyline and definitely the amazing dialogues, a good movie can be produced.

Well, for starters, Sherlock is a really really observant person. Anyone who has seen this movie can see it especially when Dr. John Watson's fiancee, asked Mr. Holmes to bring a conclusion about her. Which ended up in an ugly situation. Nonetheless, his meticulousness is something that I awe very much.

Next up, Mr. Holmes is a very knowledgeable person. I'm sure he is not a very academic unlike Dr. John Watson is, but he has a lot of knowledge and to some extent, helped Dr. Watson to save the latter's career as a doctor in the case where Dr. Watson pronounced Lord Blackwood's death following the lord's execution.

Then, I should say here that Mr. Holmes is in fact a very loyal person. Well, maybe being a person who is hard to be pleased by any woman is in fact a gift. Nonetheless, he is loyal to his love which is Miss Irene Adler, played by Rachel McAdams and I find that ms. McAdams is quite a beauty and talented young actress. Hence, making me more and more admiring Sherlock.

here comes the KARMA

2010-01-01T21:20:00.002+08:00

Call it whatever you like, karma, pay-back, or God's will. It's just something that will smack our ass back for the things we do, either good, or horribly bad.

For me, I know one big thing is coming for me.

I've officially hurt someone's feelings.

More accurately, a girl's feelings. No need for who's and what's. What you do have to know, is that my heart will be hurt too, in the next attempt to get lucky. And I'm pretty sure I will. It's like an immediate effect for me, especially when it comes to this kind of stuff.

I truly am sorry for the things that I have done to her. Well I like her, of course. It's just that I don't find her compatible with me. You know it when you get that feeling right? I just didn't thought well about this.

Now, I have bad karma trailing me. Now my brain would have to actively say to myself ;

"Hey dude, yeah, stay away from the girl that you think you'll hook up. Cause you're gonna get a bite, right at your tush"

***picture someone talking in the 'new yawk' slang, that's what is going in my mind as of right now.

But if you think again, how am i gonna get rid of this? So, assume that I WILL try to get lucky, and get rejected of course. Not a doubt anyway.

the line between 2 years

2010-01-01T00:10:00.003+08:00

Today started off like hell. nevermind about that. I realised one thing though this morning ;

I do not like to be nagged. especially in the car, when the silence allows the nagger to nag me

Once I arrived the place we were heading too. Everything seemed to cool down, and I started to think about what what the nagger said to me. Turns out that what the nagger said was true. So, I'd definitely appreciate her more. That is kind of my resolution, not really something that I will write on a post-it.

So, when I was having breakfast, I saw the advertisement about the movie marathon that they will be airing at Hallmark tonight. The best movie there is for me is 'Pizza My Heart', the others were lame. I think. More about that later.

The whole afternoon, I spent facebook-ing, myspace-ing, and purevolume.com-ing. Found a couple of new artist which was pretty good. I have this feeling for metal so suddenly after I have a history of slow songs for quite a while now. Doesn't matter anyway.

dinner, facebook-ing, and jamlegend-ing. yeahh. Jamlegend, baby. Not that I'm good at it or something. for a fact, I think jamlegend actually boosts your memory. That's what happened to me during SPM. Certain things just stuck in my head, for weeks after I started playing Jamlegend.

Then, watching the movie. I just love Gina. She has the package, you know? everything that I ever wanted. Joe, at first I gotta admit he's good-looking. gayyyy, fuck, but I don't care. Then it struck me, he's a pretty boy. FUCK pretty boys. Yeah, I got a grudge against pretty boys.

Anyway, went to my room. checked out facebook. turned on the radio. countdown. top 100 songs of 2009 remix which they just mash every song in the list. pretty ugly but good. and writing this blog.

Here I just wanna say that I hope my friend down in Sunway is getting lucky with his girl. I mean, they would hook up, finally. They suit each other. But like the boy said ; It's too complicated. Damn it girl, he'll love you with all his heart, you know that?

got a couple of new year texts. and a call. I appreciate you all. Though I don't say it to you. You guys taught me a little bit of something about life. So, I want to thank each and every one of you for teaching me about growing up. because like what The Ataris said in 'In This Diary' ;

"Being Grown Up, Isn't Half As Fun As Growing Up,
These Are The Best Days Of Our Lives"

goodbye dreams, it was fun knowing you

2009-12-30T23:16:00.002+08:00

Let me list you the shit that happened to me today :

First of all, I had to wait like 5 hours or so just to do the computer test. and guess what?

Second, I failed, dude. This is not the worst yet.

Third, somebody complained. Not any worse, it is yet to come.

Fourth, I discovered I was the only one in the family who did not pass this bloody test.

Fifth, I'm sure that particular somebody did not meant to say those words, but the things that she said crushed me into a million pieces. Though maybe she didn't direct it to me.

Sixth, I'm not gonna work at Subway. Even if i won't be working in January, I still can't start working in February because somebody has got to fill in my spot.

It's not like somebody will take my position and then leave the spot just because I want to work there.

I really had fun working there. Not to mention that I actually have something to do than rather doing nothing at home. Then, the money is really a motivator.

But now, it's just a distant dream. Now I have to do work at home, though I don't fancy doing those stuff.

Maybe,

maybe there is something else that is better in store for me. or maybe this is a punishment for all the wrong things that I've done. Well, look on the bright side, I won't be seeing her after all

another deathbat's memorial

2009-12-29T21:25:00.012+08:00

As of today, the music industry of the modern metal hardcore music scene will never be the same again.

Today, we mourn the loss of a great drummer, musician, friend, husband, and son.

He once said, "Just a spoonful of Jimmy, helps the world go down." Now with him gone, how can we bring this world down without the powerful blast beats of his, speed and creativity?
His humor, laughter and the powerful voice that reaches into your hearts, that touches your soul and make you sing along with him?

We may never know.

I quote from what he screamed at the top of his lungs in 'Afterlife'

"Oh I am, unbroken. I'm choking on this ecstasy.

Unbreak me, Unchain me. I need another chance to live"

Rest In Peace

James Owen Sullivan

February 10, 1981 - December 28, 2009

it's a sign

2009-12-28T21:05:00.003+08:00

So here's my plan. I'm going to start working on the first week of january, which is when you will start schooling again.

Hopefully, I won't see you anymore.

But that is kinda hard, because

he is either your other-pole of your magnet that attracts or,
he is your same-pole magnet that repels you from coming,

he is working there.

If it's repelling, that's great news i guess.

Like what A said, get busy and do something that will make myself happy. at least my brain is occupied from thinking about you.

im just gonna be in this place forever

2009-12-28T00:39:00.004+08:00

here I go thinking about you again. it places me in like some torture chamber, you know that? I feel so confident but at the same time I know that you don't even want me to be around. I can't ever stop thinking about you. Hormones be gone. won't be happening anytime soon though. The memories are so precious even though it's not very fond anyway. There are certain things that just reminds me of you. It's pathetic. I'm pathetic. It's not your fault. I'm thinking like a girl. FUCK THAT.

the feeling grows so much as i try to distance myself from you. It's sad. damn sad. if you read this by chance, just forget it because mending things would be hazardous. don't worry because I'll get over it and start this thing over again. just slight changes will happen. things fade away right? like time heals everything? it's gonna be fine :)

maybe it's too good to be true

2009-12-27T23:39:00.003+08:00

It was very dull, but it was vivid enough for me
to remember you, sweet child.

Adorable and smart you are. Safe and ever curious. Eventhough you're just a dream, you're like my own comfort. You truly are a bundle of joy. You treat me like I'm your guardian, to play along, to talk to, to seek security in someone, although I don't understand much of what you say.

I remember i tucked you into bed, is this a feeling of being a father? I don't want you to grow into a bad person that I know, not even a slight impurity I want it to be in your heart.

I would love you like my own life. maybe more. this is my sweetest dream right now, Is this a vision of the future, or is this just an illusion for me?

life, it can really bring you down

2009-12-10T22:17:00.002+08:00

i never thought i am labelled as stupid by those who really care.

Wow, now i know who i really am, and now i know why i hardly make new friends.

and people,

don't vote me as a leader alright, your organisation's gonna burn completely until there's no trace of the existence of your little club if you do vote me. thank you very much. :)

best

2009-11-14T13:18:00.006+08:00

sometimes, you just have to shut up and just enjoy the time alone with yourself. because you're the best for yourself, not for them, not for him/her

don't hope. don't look. and you'll find something else.

nobody can put out this flame

2009-10-17T16:15:00.008+08:00

There are a lot of things that i wanna tell you. So, here goes.

the first day we met was when I was dating with my ex-girlfriend, back when I was in form 3 and you were in form 1. Not really a good start, but still. You were innocent back then, being a librarian. That was kinda cute.

I think i met you at McDonald's, where she waved at you. At first sight, I can't deny it, you're beautiful, but i kept it in me and keep on saying that this is so wrong. Because she was in a way your good friend and you were her friend's sister. Every time she tells about the stuff you and she do together, I don't really favor it because I was in a relationship.

There is this one time, I don't know if can remember, at McDonald's. I was dating with my ex, and you were with your friend. I went to the toilet, and your friend asked her whether I am her partner. I was forcing myself to look at you and your friend, which was a tough job to do.

Then, form 5 happened, and I broke up. I wasn't exactly looking for another girl. But you came along, I didn't wish you to be there. I didn't even know you were the same house as i do, you were under me. So, I asked everybody's phone number including you for work's sake, and I used it to talk to you. Yeah, I was weird, still am though.

I heard you liked this one guy. I wasn't really devastated until you had a relationship with that guy. I can't talk to you, I was so damn ashamed. Yeah I did tried, turns out it proved that I am a total loser and weirdo. But then, a bad news broke out in the school, but I was the only one who felt so happy. But still, I can't talk to you. I texted you anyway because my mentors say that I got nothing to lose. In good hopes, you replied, and you didn't. So I lay low in an attempt to forget about you. You were having PMR too, the last thing I wanna do is to make you think too much.

After raya, I can't take the feeling anymore. I texted you again just to say good luck. and you replied. I knew from that moment I just wanted to be your friend, to catch you whenever you fall, to talk about things without having feelings. But then, I realised. You don't want to be close. Just casual acquaintances. I was just getting the hang of making things interesting enough for you to talk longer with me.

Now, all that's left is time.

The whole form 4 year, I didn't hear a single thing about you. Maybe that's the way to forget you now

I still have something to say, if you really want to know, here it is.

You have a perfect complexion, then you're small, beautiful hair, bright smile, and those piercing eyes. Please don't wear sunglasses, it's way too beautiful to hide. You can be a model and I'm not lying. I would take you if I have an agency. It doesn't matter if you let hair down or tie it up, long or short, you still look gorgeous. You don't need make-up, I think, because every time I see you, you're pink.

I heard you stare at people, I wish you stared me, i don't care if you are mad at me when you do so. You like food. Even if you eat a whole lot of food like you say, you still don't gain any weight. You love fashion, and you would look good in anything you want to wear, I'm sure. The only thing that I don't like about you, is that you like pretty boys. Yes they're yummy. pffft.

Every time I think why do I like you in the first place, I'm still baffled, you know. Maybe I'm blinded by you because people keep on telling me that you're a fake. I don't care. I know that I can accept whoever you are. Now all I know is that you won't accept me. I know you have your reasons not to like me, but I don't want to know, it's better to keep that as a mystery.

You're a hurricane and I'm just a gust of wind. You're interesting and I'm boring. And obviously I've stalked you, a lot. :) and I still think I have a lot to say here.

Now, you have someone in your heart again. Even though I strongly feel that you won't see this, I'm hoping someone would let you know, I hope you'll find the person who you really love, who is gentle and strong, not to mention cute, funny and being himself, and most importantly, he loves you back, more than I do.